One of the words that is so so common in our society....however the conversation that I feel needs to be had around this hasn't happened yet.
So...I'm opening the door here.
Let's be real....a lot of marriages are not fulfilling for most. There are good times and bad times...as with anything in life but most people for a number of reasons are truly not satisfied, fulfilled within their marriage relationships.
Some would say that it is the generation that we are in and that people don't want to work harder on their relationships like people in previous generations had...and perhaps there is a small bit of truth in that....however I would like to propose the perspective that perhaps marriage (as we currently and societally understand it) is one of the biggest conditioning tools (next to food) that we have in this society.
Now religious people will tell me that God hates divorce and that it is a sacred union where man and woman become one and let no man divide what God has joined. Yea yea yea.....I get it....and as far as I'm concerned that is parroted dogmatic beliefs that have their root in the biggest Psy-Op of this culture....which is religion (any religion)....but that is for another day and another time.
I'm going to cut to the chase for all of you....here's the deal. Marriage isn't forever for everyone and the angle I'm going to look at this in this article is GROWTH. It's because of growth that marriage between many does not last and the ones that stick with it....and are miserable and they know deep inside that they want to leave but out of fear and cultural or familial conditioning they stay.....they know this to be true.
Let me tell you a story....
I got married when I was 27 years old. We had been dating for 5 years before we married. The only reason that we married was because at that time I was duped into believing that the only way I could be shown that I was loved by my partner was to marry me. My partner did not want to marry and he didn't think it was necessary....however because of my own lack of belief and love for myself I disagreed and gave him an ultimatum. Oh boy....I have compassion for my former self however I now cringe at the thought of EVER giving ANYONE an ultimatum. First red flag for us was the ultimatum.
He obliged, bought a ring and we started planning our wedding. Well, that's not entirely true. We lived in Seattle, WA at the time and wanted to be married back in South Dakota (where both of us were from) so I gave the job to my mom to plan our wedding.
A few months before the big day, my intuition kicked in.....I remember sitting in my living room and the knowing was so strong within me that this was not what I wanted. I knew deep down that I did not want to get married....but my inner wounding of not feeling loved, being accepted and the acceptance of everyone that was excited for us was too strong of a conditioning factor for me at the time so I ignored my inner knowing. I ignored it, rationalized it and told myself that everything was going to be OK. I didn't want to disappoint my mom, my family, my partners family, etc. and I couldn't face the reality that what I truly wanted went against everything that society was telling me was beneficial for me.
Fast forward to one year after our wedding: we were separated - I had moved out and lived in an apartment for 4 months until one day we decided to work things out. The biggest dilemma for me was that I really did love my partner....I loved spending time with him, we were really really good friends and I didn't want to lose that.
About 10 months after we decided to work out our marriage we had our first child....and then our second 1 year after that....and things were settled. I was married with 2 kids and this was how it was going to be. We had our third child 3 1/2 years after our second was born....bought a house shortly after and we were busy with life, kids, etc!
Don't get me wrong...we did have some really great times....and we both love our kids so much that it wasn't a miserable time during these times. What started to happen though was that his life and my life were separating.....he was living his experience and I was living mine. I started growing in who I was spiritually, and getting curious with what life had to offer and what I had to offer life and he didn't want to be on that path. He pretended for a while....and went along with what I was doing but his heart wasn't in it.
We moved in 2015 to Charlotte, NC thinking that a move would help our situation but it only accelerated it. I realized during that time that I had addiction issues, and started working on my own inner children & doing shadow work. I started shifting rapidly during that time.
In 2016 we thought the next step would be to buy a home as we were renting the first year we were in Charlotte. We found a beautiful home in a neighborhood just across the border in SC and I convinced myself that it was good....that this would be good for our family....until one day when I had the similar feeling within me that I had years ago before we had gotten married....and I knew that I couldn't go through with this. I KNEW that I was being given another opportunity to trust myself....and this time I did. I told my husband that I couldn't do this and that it wasn't a good idea to buy a house. He trusted me and that was that. We ended up renting again for another year at a lake house on Lake Norman.
The next spring we decided to separate.
It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. The hardest part was telling my kiddos. It about ripped my heart out.
We lived together for 3 months until our lease was up....and then he ended up getting an apartment and I rented a house in Charlotte. I took my kids on a 7 week road trip that summer - it was AMAZING.
I made 4 commitments to myself that summer:
- Movement every day
- No Alcohol
- No Processed Sugar
- Journal Everyday
I honored every commitment.
My life doesn't look the same now as it did in 2017 when we separated.
I'm not the same.
There are times that I've wondered if I made the right choice....I think that's normal. I know I did....and I'm grateful that I did. I wouldn't go back and change anything as it's my experience that I've grown from.
Part of what allowed me to stay in a marriage that I knew wasn't correct for me (or him) was that I rationalized my feelings, my knowing. I told myself...he's a good guy, he provides for our family, and I need to appreciate these things vs. realizing that he can be all of these things AND that my soul knew that this was not correct....for both of us.
I am sharing part of my story now in hopes that if you, as the reader are being faced with this type of situation in your own life that you get out of the good/bad belief systems that are in place when in regards to marriage. If you grew up in any type of religious system or have that background or are currently in it realize how it could be clouding your judgement.
I was so concerned with not doing the 'wrong' thing or making the 'wrong' decision that I stopped listening to what I knew was true.
Only you know what is correct for you.
Perhaps some day I will share how my kids reacted, what has happened since.
Be true to you - and when you do that, you are ultimately being true to everyone else around you.
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