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  • Erin Esser

Holding Space for our Children and WHY it is ESSENTIAL


This is a very vulnerable and critical post that needs to be communicated. My intention is that you are able to HEAR this and FEEL into what it means for you.


Do you ever feel like you do not have the right to express your emotions to others?


Do you ever feel like you are not able to identify your emotions so that you are able to clearly communicate them?


Do you ever feel passive aggressive towards others? You are feeling anger, frustration, sadness, etc in such an intense way and you don't know how to communicate it clearly so you stop talking to the person you are upset with, possibly slam doors, cupboards, etc. to try to get someone else to hear you in your madness?


"Would somebody please just hear and see me!"


I know I have been there....


I now consider myself a pretty aware parent....I still say things and do things that I look back on and have to correct myself and apologize for.... I am human...but my intention with my children is to be as present with them as I can be and to be able to be a safe space for them to communicate how they feel.


I haven't always been like this as a parent.....there were several years when my kids were little that I was not present with them or aware of my actions as their mother, aware of their nurturing needs and the need to create a safe space for them. It was not always safe for them to feel and express themselves, without them fearing getting in trouble, getting yelled at or just not acknowledging them in their emotions.


I've told my kids over the past couple years that at some point in their lives they may need to heal their mother wound. They don't quite understand what that means at this point in their journey but my intention for telling them this was to acknowledge and own that I, as their parent, did not show up for them the way that I would have liked to....because at that time I was unable to.


The truth is....I could not be the type of parent that I wanted to be for them because I, for many years, did now know how to show up for myself. I did not know how to express anger, frustration, and sadness to people without giving them the silent treatment, or being very passive aggressive. I had a belief that I did not have a right to feel how I felt, and that was a continuous inner battle within myself and an outer battle with others.


I was not able to hold the space needed for another persons emotions because I could not do that for myself.


I was a very emotional child and often times as a kid I was told by caregivers to 'just get over it', 'what's your problem', 'what's the big deal', 'you're too emotional', 'I can't handle you', etc. I received the message that it wasn't OK for me to express my emotions and because of that, the belief template of "I do not have a right to feel this way" was etched in my psyche.


As I've been on my human journey I've had to really work to rewrite my beliefs around expressing my feelings and doing so in a healthy way. I had no idea what that meant until a few years ago.....


Because of my experience, and not being able to hold the space needed for myself has allowed me to see how I was not able to do that for my kids when they were younger.


As human beings, when we do not learn how to be and feel in our body, identify what it is we feel, knowing that what we feel is valid and then be able to clearly communicate from that space, then when we become parents we end up perpetuating the cycle of emotional unavailability with our children.


Our deepest need and desire as human beings is to feel seen and heard....but the question is "Can we do that for ourselves?"


Our children are our biggest teachers if we are able to move out of the old paradigm of 'Do as I say or else', and 'Because I say so' with no explanation of why to our children.


Being able to model what it looks like to create the container within ourselves to hold all of our feels is one of the greatest gifts we can offer our children. They then have the ability to grow into emotionally stable and conscious beings. They then learn that others do have a right to their own emotional states and that it doesn't have to affect them!


We then raise children who can emotionally provide for themselves instead of looking for others to validate them to make them feel ok.


Peace and Chaos ~

EE



Reach out to me HERE or email me at erin@erinesser.com



What does it mean to Hold Space?


Harrison Owen wrote that "holding space" is an act that is at once totally present and totally invisible. It is, like the Tao, an activity that is characterized by paradox. Holding space is about resting in the trust that self-organization, that force which created the universe and brought us to this point, will continue to work its magic. To prepare yourself to submit to the power of self-organization, you must let go of outcomes. You must breathe life into the principle that "whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened." We learn to let our desires fall away and confront what is present in the space, and what is real and living before us. To hold space is to rest in the chaos that is darkness; a darkness that represents a vast field of unknown potential. It is this field that you are inviting to hum. From this field understanding will blossom, light will emerge, possibilities will grow. ~Taken from The Tao

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