My 14yr Old Self Has Been Running My Life and I Didn't Know It!
Updated: Feb 24
I was in a session the other day with a friend and colleague and she was doing some inner child healing work with me. This is such powerful work that I've been experimenting with since 2017. My recent experience has really shown me that there are layers to our inner children, facets of ourselves that are ready to be acknowledged and integrated and others that are so deep within our subconscious and afraid to be acknowledged that it can take several sessions to reach these places within. One session within this type of work is generally not enough.....
During this session I was first in dialogue with my 6 year old self. She was such a joyous, curious and fun part of myself and I was able to fully integrate her. Her childlike essence was able to give me advice and words of wisdom to my current adult self and I cherish these words so deeply. So very magical!
What came through next I did not expect and found myself actually quite fearful and anxious. My 14 year old, rebellious-self wanted to be acknowledged and seen. I was afraid to dialogue with her as I could feel such pain, anger, resentment and sadness within her and I didn't know if I could hold all that she was and allow space for her to express without my adult self feeling shameful and taking blame for her experiences. What a powerful realization I had for myself, just in that acknowledgement alone.
I chose to lean in, through the fear and uncertainty and hear what she wanted to say. I learned that day that all she wanted in that time in her life was permission to explore different facets of herself, to be curious about who she was and to play with different expressions of what that could look like for her. In fact, the quote that she had on her wall was by E.E. Cummings:
To be nobody-but-yourself —in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
She didn't now what that actually meant, but it resonated within her on a very deep level and she desired to understand what it could mean for her. She remembered a time when she was criticized by her mother for having this up in her room. She looked at it as an act of rebellion and didn't understand it. During the session my 14 year old self remembered a time when her mother told her that she did not want her coming to the grocery store with her. Her mother was afraid that she would be perceived as a 'bad mom' if she was with her wearing her dark makeup and black clothes. In that moment, my 14 year old self embedded a belief within her that she was an embarrassment. Exploring different facets of herself and expressing them was not acceptable and she was embarrassing.
Relationships, situations and choices that I made that followed that encounter would reflect this belief back to me. I chose relationships that carried this energy and so many other things. I was actually able to see that a current relationship that I am in was also reflecting this back to me from time to time. This is such powerful work....the patterns I was able to see play out in my life to right now...30 years later, because a part of myself chose to believe a lie, and she became disembodied.
― C.G. Jung
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
My 14 year old self is not able to be integrated within me yet, but I am in daily dialogue with her and trying my best as my adult self to give her what she needs. She needs to feel chosen, cherished, important and loved. I have the responsibility now to show up for her with consistency and be the caretaker for her that she so desperately needs to be integrated wholly.
As I'm writing this, tears are pouring down my cheeks and I'm realizing that this is a tribute to her as I give her the voice that she has never felt that she has had. It is an honor and a privilege to be able to show up for her in this way....in every moment that I am able.
I encourage you, as you are reading this to do this work with and for yourself. There are facets of all of us that are disembodied and those are the ones that keep showing up, disrupting our lives because they just need to be acknowledged. They need to be SEEN. We all want to be SEEN FULLY, and it starts with us seeing all of the aspects of ourselves and bringing them home.
I also want to be clear that doing this work does not mean blaming and shaming our caregivers. This is about acknowledging for ourselves what we need. It is up to our current, adult selves to be the caregiver that we now need. It's up to me, and only me to make me feel safe, secure and have the inner freedom I desire.
Take a look at the areas of your life that you struggle with and I guarantee you that there is a part of yourself that is begging to be witnessed. How will you show up for yourself?
My desire and passion in this life is to help others come home to themselves.....this work that I do for myself I bring in and help others do for themselves using tools like astrology, some human design and my ability to ask the questions that allow you to aspect a different perspective within yourself so that you are able to show up for yourself in a new way. It's time in 2020 to fully and wholly come home to yourself....there is no magic potion or remedy to this.....all it takes is the willingness to say YES to yourself.
Are you ready to ignite your purpose in 2020? CLICK HERE to learn how!
Love and Peace,